“Ek Doosre Se Karte Hain Pyar Hum”-But who carries the load?
How many of you older Indian millennials remember the film HUM (1991), starring Amitabh Bachchan? I want to revisit the song “Ek Doosre Se Karte Hain Pyaar Hum”—a beautiful ode to family love and togetherness, one that seems to capture the essence of the “ideal” Indian family.
But what happens when we take a step back and look at the fuller message?
The song unfolds as the bahu, Aarti, tries to keep up with the demands of three able-bodied men and a child—rushing around, overwhelmed, and unable to keep pace. She is shown failing, and more importantly, feeling like a failure. While the song celebrates love and unity, it quietly overlooks the inequity built into her role. The men sing to comfort her, but nothing fundamentally changes in the structure of family life. Aarti continues to carry the mental load.
You might say, “That was over 30 years ago—things have changed.” And yes, they have. But perhaps not as much as we’d like to believe. The pressure of unrealistic expectations still persists, just repackaged in more modern forms.
I see this often around expectations of food (everything must be freshly cooked), the home (always clean and organized), and child-rearing (who is responsible, and how that responsibility is managed). The mounting pressure shows up in feelings of anger, depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed.
What I often challenge those who seek me out as a therapist is—do less. The food doesn’t have to be freshly made every single day; maybe it means eating leftovers, using frozen meals, or trying a tiffin service. The house doesn’t need to be spotless at all times; perhaps that looks like loosening standards or bringing in a cleaning service once a month. For those in the South Asian diaspora raising children without the support of extended family, having a sitter or placement in daycare, or a nanny can act as a much-needed release valve—one that helps regulate not just logistics, but emotions.
What I often hear in response is, “It wasn’t done that way.” Many women are told—explicitly or implicitly—that the grandmothers “did it all.” But let’s unpack that. Our grandmothers rarely did it alone. Many lived within extended family systems and often had access to additional paid help for childcare and household responsibilities. The image of doing it all, alone and effortlessly, is more myth than reality.
I also hear a deeper fear: Will someone else care for my child the way I do? And underneath that is the belief that we are supposed to have full control over how our children are raised. But the truth is, we never really have. Differences in caregiving, disagreements, and negotiations have always existed—especially within extended family systems. There has always been a push and pull in how children are raised.
So the question becomes: how are you challenging these unrealistic expectations in your own life?
