Making Room for the Messiness of Mothering-when parenting advise leaves no room for real life

There is a lot of information out there in the world of mothering. How to create non-picky eaters. How to raise emotionally balanced children. How to raise independent children. How to raise curious children. How to get your child to sleep. How to manage tantrums. The list goes on.

And with each goal comes a list of dos and don’ts that parents are expected to follow in order to prevent the negatives—the child who is still having tantrums at 10, the child who only eats chicken nuggets, or the child who can’t sleep independently.

The message can start to feel like this: If you just follow the right system, you can prevent your child from struggling.

These “perfect” systems don't leave much room for the messiness of growth—the growth of both the child and the mother. They don't take into account how easily the world around us can disrupt the system we have carefully built, again and again.

Family building is messy.

Growth is messy.

Reaching milestones is disruptive by nature.

 Mothering is emotionally taxing for both the mother and the child.

One example from my own life is screen time. I do agree with the research that excessive screen use can be disruptive to the development of young children. But research often doesn’t capture the messiness of everyday life.

It doesn’t necessarily ask:

Which is more harmful—a mother who is overstimulated and about to lose her shit with her child, or a mother who puts on a screen for a few minutes so she can regulate herself?

Or:

What is more harmful—a mother who avoids screens but is unable to cook because her child is hanging on her, leaving her with no choice but frozen or processed food, or a mother who puts on a show so she can cook, clean up, or simply breathe?

Even these questions are framed as absolutes. Some days, dinner is frozen or processed. Some days, it is home-cooked. Some days, there is screen time. Other days, there isn’t. Some days, we have the patience to sit and play. Other days, we need five minutes to ourselves. This is the messiness of mothering.

So how do we make space for the messiness?  Consider the thoughts below…

Parenting isn't a performance. It is a relationship. And mistakes happen in relationships. We repair, reconnect, learn, and move forward. There will be moments when we lose our patience, moments when we don't respond the way we wanted to, and moments when we make a choice that, looking back, we might have handled differently. That doesn't mean we have failed as parents. It means we are human beings in a relationship with another human being. Relationships can also take time to build, even with our children. So allow yourself to observe and learn… not always do.

We also need to remember that we are not our child's only influence. As parents, we matter tremendously, but we are not the sole influence shaping who our child becomes. A child's temperament matters. Their friendships matter. The culture and community they grow up in matters. Impact of technology matters. The way they experience and interpret the world around them matters. There are so many influences that shape a person over the course of their development. We simply cannot control all of them.

Our relationships with our children are also dynamic. They are constantly changing. We are learning about them, and they are learning about us. What works today may not work six months from now. A strategy that helped your child sleep at age two may not work at age four. A boundary that worked last year may need to change as your child develops. A parenting approach that felt manageable when you had more energy may not feel realistic during a particularly difficult season. That doesn't mean you failed. It means the relationship is growing, and parenting requires us to adapt.

Most of the time, perfectionism isn't possible—or necessary. The “good enough” choice can be enough. Good enough allows us to breathe. It gives us time to process, adapt, and find some joy in our parenting journey. Most days the goal isn't to make the perfect choice. Sometimes the goal is to make the choice that works today, with the resources, energy, information, and circumstances we have.

Making room for the messiness of mothering can be an antidote to mom guilt—the guilt that tells us every decision has the potential to permanently damage our child. Allowing ourselves to approach this relationship with our child and ourselves with grace, space and time… allows us to recognize how much gas we have in our tank. We can pay attention to our own capacity rather than constantly measuring ourselves against what we “should” be doing. This allows us to think beyond the immediate fear of getting something wrong and instead prepare ourselves for the long relationship we hope to have with our children. Mothering is not just about preventing harm; it is about building, repairing, growing, and sustaining a relationship over time.