Before Motherhood: Questions worth sitting with…
Becoming a parent changes everything—often more for women than men. Many women have long understood this, and today, more are thoughtfully weighing their options. This piece is for those who feel on the fence about becoming a parent and want a clearer sense of what to consider as they move toward (or away from) motherhood.
Here are some key areas to reflect on:
1. Logistics
This is the most concrete starting point. What kind of maternity leave will you have—paid or unpaid? How will your finances shift with the added costs of a child? What will support look like, both paid (nanny, sitter, doula) and unpaid (partner, family, friends)? It’s also worth thinking creatively about daily life: How will meals happen in that first year? Will you meal prep, rely partly on takeout, hire help, or simply tolerate a messier home for a while?
2. Are you ready for an “arranged” relationship?
There’s a common myth that love for your baby is immediate and automatic. Sometimes it is—but not always. The truth is, you’re inviting a stranger into your life—and it can take time to get to know and love this new person. Building that relationship is a process, and allowing it to unfold gradually is not only normal, but healthy. It’s also important to know that this does not interfere with your child’s ability to form a secure attachment with you.
3. Emotional ups and downs—on steroids
Consider whether this is something you feel prepared to accept—recognizing that even while you’re on this emotional roller coaster, life’s practical demands continue: paying bills, attending appointments, and managing household responsibilities. A common myth is that this intensity lasts only the first 6–8 weeks. While those early months are often the most challenging, the emotional ups and downs don’t have a clear endpoint. The frequency and intensity may lessen, but the ride, in many ways, continues.
4. How much do you value predictability? Do you have capacity for flexibility?
In today’s content- and information-saturated world, there’s a strong belief that every challenge can be solved if you just find the right answer. But many aspects of motherhood—beginning as early as pregnancy—are less about solving and more about tolerating, or finding partial, imperfect solutions. They don’t always resolve in the neat, linear way books often suggest.
Any pre-existing anxiety or depression may resurface, sometimes intensely, even if only for a period of time. While parenting books can make it seem like there’s a clear, well-paved path, the reality is more uneven—sometimes there is a path, and sometimes you’re finding your way as you go.
5. Your relationship with metrics
We live in a highly data-driven world—rate your experience, set goals for next year, track your progress. This mindset naturally carries over into parenting, where developmental milestones often become the primary way of measuring growth.
Metrics do have their place. But many parents who genuinely find joy in the experience learn to look beyond them, relying on—“vibes,” for lack of a better word. For example, instead of focusing solely on structured playtime (which is often emphasized in parenting conversations), I listened to a podcast while playing with my child, making the experience more sustainable for myself.
6. Placing parts of yourself in the background
This is often acknowledged, but also minimized. The idea that your child’s presence fully replaces everything is a lie, in my opinion. For a period of time, some parts of your identity—hobbies, interests, spontaneity—may become less accessible due to time, energy, or financial constraints. These parts can return, but they often require rebuilding. Travel, for instance (i.e. as traveling with little one floods social media), may initially look like shorter or closer trips while you learn what works. Re-engaging with your interests becomes a process of trial and error rather than an immediate return to your previous life.
7. Boundaries
Boundaries matter, even in early motherhood. This can start with the basics: making time to shower, eat, and care for yourself in small ways. These may look different—shorter showers, quicker meals—but they create a foundation. As demands shift and ease over time, these small anchors help you gradually expand your capacity, whether that means reading again or taking longer showers.
Becoming a parent isn’t just a decision—it’s an ongoing adjustment. The more honestly you can engage with these questions, the clearer your path will feel, whichever direction you choose.
