Matrescence: Metamorphosis of Motherhood
Matrescence is defined as the physical, emotional, hormonal, and social transition a woman undergoes as she becomes a mother. Every culture has a way to honor that process. In China there is the 30-day confinement and in Brazil there is focus on certain foods that help the mother regain strength. If we were in India, it would involve going back to the maternal home. Where there would be lots of support both from the family and paid help to ease women in their transition. In the USA, well the story is different…. There may be companies that provide as much as 6 months of maternity/paternity leave, while others provide nothing. Family may be present or absent; due to work commitments or health issues or personality clashes. Thus, a process that usually involves the community supporting the mother is often lonely and isolating in the present day.
Is it any wonder that rates of postpartum depression and anxiety are skyrocketing not only in the USA, but worldwide? It has become such an issue that the US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy released an advisory on mental health and well-being of parents, talking about the immediate need to support parents and caregivers.
I work with a lot of Indian women as they try to juggle the work that multiple people in India would do while contributing financially to the household. They are not only tracking schedules; but they are also cooking, cleaning, keeping an eye on their child’s developmental milestones, and keeping up with social commitments. Many will say that their husbands are active with the tasks of running of the home, however the husbands are rarely tracking (i.e. in charge of) any of those domains. This means that women are working at their full capacity at all times and if anything goes off track, as it often does; it leads to anger out bursts, crying spells, and feelings of guilt.
The women coming into therapy are intelligent, who know exactly what their child needs and are doing their best to keep up with the demands of their work. However, they struggle to identify and discuss their own needs (i.e. what does tiredness look like or overstimulation). They are also under the impression that moving things around will allow them to achieve all the tasks in an effortless manner.
With the women coming to see me, agreeing that rest is needed is the biggest challenge. We in the community value hard work and rest appears to many as a weakness or defect. We as women have struggled to find a voice outside the home and don’t want to relinquish it. However, the home environment hasn’t become an equal place. From my own experience, as well as that of those women who come to see me, if you don’t listen to your body-and mind- when it signals the need for rest, you will eventually reach a point where your body and mind stop functioning, and rest will no longer be a choice.
How To Rest:
If you have a child younger than one, it is all about sleep. Please sleep where you can.
Once your little one starts sleeping in longer periods, don’t automatically fill your time with tasks or activities. Be curious about how outings and tasks leave you feeling and change accordingly. You are transforming, the old you may not fit in the same way.
I suggest 2-3 breaks a day, each ranging from 5 to 15 minute, as your schedule allows. Then look for ways to slow down your overactive brain and smell the roses. One can drink a glass of water or chai, do not do anything else (i.e. no scrolling). One can take a walk and pay attention to the world around you. One can pray or meditate. This is in addition to your night time routine, which can include reading or watching TV.
Let go of some expectations, if nani or dad are stepping in then they will do things a bit differently. Think about all the ways your child’s routine is disrupted (i.e. they get sick, travel to visit family, experiencing developmental shifts) and how they seem to be okay with those changes. Thus, small disruptions will not hurt the child.
Lack of rest and its implications on mental health are significant. Without mental and physical rest, you are more likely to reach burnout which can present itself as depression and anxiety. A way for your brain to tell you that what you have been doing isn’t working and something needs to change. And yet, in a culture that values achievement and progress, there is little space to acknowledge need for self-care.
This contemporary society and the Indian community, likes to have a plan. There is a time and place to go to college, start searching for a life partner, buy a house, have children etc. Parenting often doesn’t come with the same set of predictable rules, however suggestions will come from all over the place on how to get that baby on a plan. Along with those suggestions will come the comparisons (i.e. well your cousin’s child was already talking at this age). Secondly, Indian women have been taught to excel and keep achieving (i.e. how can you get high grades, build a better college application etc.). The theme of excellence is woven throughout our upbringing. Now we get to the pediatrician’s office and that Percentile rank for weight and height feels like another way to make that mark.
The comparison narrative increases anxiety, which in turn can leads to bouts of anger and feelings of failure. In my professional opinion, managing anxiety around your child becomes more about parenting yourself vs. changing anything about the child. It is about having space to process and reflect vs. always taking an action. Those skills are difficult to build, when you are grading your parenting in addition getting ‘helpful’ suggestions from parents, community, and social media.
How To Manage Anxiety Around Parenting:
Make room for contradictory thoughts, for example: My child is a slow at talking and really curious. I can listen to the doctors and my experience about raising my child.
Provide your anxiety with an alternative channel through journaling, exercise, meditation, or prayer.
I often ask mothers to envision their child at 22, imagine that they are healthy and doing well. What kind of relationship do you envision and what can you do today to develop that vision. The truth of the matter is that whether your baby hits the appropriate weight percentile or not, your child enrolls in AP chemistry class or not, your adult son/daughter get serious about marriage or not… has never been in your control, not fully anyway. The pressure cooker version of mothering today doesn’t go away after the first few years, it just evolves. So, let’s take care of ourselves because we deserve it as people and it allows us to build stronger relationships with our children.
What Others Can Do to Help Mom:
Dads, be present throughout the journey. Research the developmental milestones, figure out when they are growing out their clothes, or what is needed for that soccer match.
Grandparents, give moms the space to figure out how she wants things done and be okay following those directions.
Everyone else, refrain from comments that are about progress or development. Each child gets there on their own.
Dr. Bhumi Mehta
Dr. Bhumi Mehta is a licensed clinical psychologist offering telehealth services in over 40 states. She found her passion for matrescence (aka the motherhood journey) after becoming a mother herself. To learn more please visit: www.hopefromtherapy.com
