Breaking the Silence: Women and Anger in South Asian Culture

Nov 18

The South Asian woman often works hard to contain her anger. From a young age, we’re taught about its destructive power. Anger in women is commonly associated with selfishness or ego, and we grow up hearing that it is “bad.” In our stories, when Kaikeyi becomes angry, she sends Ram to the forest. In Bollywood films and Indian serials, it’s the vamp—the anti-heroine—who uses anger to harm others. Meanwhile, the heroine, the Sita-figure, smiles through every challenge with patience and grace. She uses gentle persuasion to guide others toward the right path. She does not consider her own needs.

The picture of a calm and efficient woman is lovely, but ultimately unrealistic. Anger is not inherently negative; it is a warning signal that many of us ignore—often until it becomes destructive, not just to ourselves but also to those around us.

And we are not alone in overlooking these warning signs; our loved ones frequently play a role in helping us suppress them. This dynamic creates a cycle: anger builds, is temporarily contained, then resurfaces until it finally erupts. In the end, anger always finds a way out.

Anger often surfaces when we ignore the quieter signals of our body and mind, like exhaustion or being overwhelmed. In today’s relentless, hyperactive world, women are frequently pulled in every direction—working outside the home, caring for children, managing the household—leaving little room to notice when they are stretched too thin. Anger serves as an internal alarm, signaling the need to slow down and attend to your own needs, rather than constantly meeting the expectations of others.

Tips for when you are tired or overwhelmed:

Think of rest as something that shuts off your brain
Go for the small tasks-those that take 10-15 minutes-and stop doing them. Let others do those tasks or simply stop doing them completely.

Tips to be heard:

Google the Speaker-Listener technique by Gottman
Consider marriage or family counseling
Ask yourself what you need and do that

Anger often emerges when we experience a sense of loss. It arises when life changes and we feel our sense of control slipping away—whether it’s children moving out or the illness or death of someone close. In these moments, anger gives voice to feelings of helplessness and loneliness. It is grief screaming loudly, demanding to be acknowledged.

Tips for Grief:

Journal
Pray
Talk to a friend, don’t keep it all to yourself

Anger is not something to suppress or ignore—it’s a signal, a guide. Listen to it. Ask yourself: Am I lonely, hurt, exhausted? Anger is pointing you toward what you truly need. When you honor those needs instead of burying them, you take control—transforming anger from a force that overwhelms you into a power that guides you.