HOLDING BOTH: WHY AMBIVALENCE MATTERS
I want to begin with one of my favorite songs from childhood: “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks—specifically, the chorus:
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between.
This song is, about ambivalence—the ability to hold contradictory emotions, identities, or desires at the same time. Most of us we are constantly juggling opposing internal experiences. Yet, in today’s world, we are rarely taught the value of ambivalence or how to sit with it without judgment.
Ambivalence can be a powerful tool. It allows space for thoughts like missing the quiet and freedom of pre-motherhood while simultaneously finding joy in watching your children play. It makes room for anger to exist alongside deep love. Rather than seeing these contradictions as failures or moral flaws, ambivalence invites us to understand them as a natural and meaningful part of being human.
What I often see in my work is that many clients move quickly toward gratitude as a way to manage what they label as “negative” emotions. The desire to stay positive or to make immediate adjustments can be so strong that there is an effort to push away the complex, messy parts of being human—the unfun parts, the tedious parts, the boring parts.
I challenge you to exercise your mind the way you exercise your body. Say the contradictory thoughts out loud: I like my job, and this week was rough. I love my child, and he is annoying right now. I appreciate family gatherings, and I also find them intrusive.
This practice strengthens resilience by making room for the full range of emotions and allowing movement within their constraints (for example, needing quiet time during family gatherings or scheduling rest during periods of stress). It helps you see the nuances of life and locate a path through challenging moments rather than around them.
Cultivating ambivalence is often a stronger way to cope with life’s ups and downs than positivity alone. Positivity, in my view, can resemble a house built of straw; easily blown away. Ambivalence, by contrast, is a house built of bricks: sturdy, grounded, and able to withstand times of challenge.
